ADHD and Divorce
ByAdult ADD or ADHD can be very challenging on relationships.
Often, the ADD/ADHD partner’s disorder can get in the way of the relationship.
Issues can arise such as: disorganization, procrastination, as well as impulsive decision making. All of these can lead to significant strain on a relationship.
Research has shown that the divorce rate is higher in couples who have a partner with ADD/ADHD. It can also be a cause for quiting a job, or impulsively ruining a career.
The important thing for adults with ADD or ADHD is to follow these steps:
- Get a proper diagnosis
- Look at all treatment options – medication, therapy, coaching, etc.
- Nurture good communication with your spouse/partner – so that you can avoid any impulsive decisions which can ruin your relatioship
I know that sometimes people have trouble finding a doctor who can diagnose them. One trick is to contact the nearest medical school – they may have a doctor who is knowledgeable in this area. You can also ask your family doctor.
Even without a formal diagnosis of ADD or ADHD, you can certainly develop great strategies for dealing with your ADD/ADHD traits. Coaching for ADD can accomplish this. I recommend reviewing materials at Bonnie Mincu’s site: Thrive with ADD. Bonnie has also created a self coaching program – to guide you through the steps that you need to follow to improve your functioning. You can view it here: Self Coaching for ADHD.
Finally, I will share with you a recent news story on ADHD and divorce.
Enjoy!
Having lived with an ADD husband now for almost 14 years, I heartily agree that it can be challenging! The best advice is: educate yourself and then: educate others. We went through numerous marriage counselors; the last basically gave up on us! Our ADD problem was yet undiagnosed. I can’t even begin to explain what a difference there has been since I heard about Adult ADD on a radio talk show. Although he resisted (strongly!!!) diagnosis at first, my husband is now one of those with Adult ADD’s strongest advocates. He is on a medication that works well for him, but probably even more importantly, recognises his own symptoms. He can better control impulse anger, etc., or, when he does get out of hand, he apologises.
I had been becoming more and more co-dependent trying to keep him organized and on time and trying to keep me out of his way when nothing worked. Now I know this is part of him, and I have to leave his stuff, his calendar, and his life pretty much to him. This allows him to take control and also, to take responsibilty. This doesn’t mean I don’t tell him when he’s looking for his keys that I saw them on the freezer or washing machine, or front step….. but I don’t pick them up and hang them on the hook anymore and he doesn’t yell at me anymore for moving his stuff!
You and your column and books are a big part of our improvement. Thanks for all you do!
Hi,
i would like to share an article by George Lynn . He is an author of many books and is very perseptive on what is going on inside a person’s brain.
Scroll down to an article on the challlenges of ADD on relationships , marrige etc
http://childspirit.com/onlinearts.htm
Allan
Some wonder if ADD is truly a personality trait or a condition. I am one that beleives it is a personality trait because not everyone is wired the same way. So if this is the case, why are we putting people on medication for it? In a lot of these cases kids are put on these medications, then they require another medication to stem off the reactions. It gets to the point where they want to beat people up if they go without medication for a day or two. Why is it that people cannot accept people for who they are and learn to deal with it. Some also blame this ADD on municipalities putting flouride in the water. Others say its the crap they put in our food these days. I am also one that feels that the pharmaceuticals are far worse than street drugs. But then again that is just me.
Thank you, Nancy. I enjoy those real life stories like yours. It *is* a tough disorder.
Yes, Sandy, I too, enjoy real-life experiences like Nancy’s as they give me a feel that this is real! this is life–not a dream and people live with it and succeed and success is real.
I have been wrestling with the idea that I have ADD. I checked many websites, read articles and watched videos about it. I am more conscious of my limitations and am frankly telling myfriends about them (with no reference to ADD as I haven’t seen any professional, yet) and this makes them at least stop criticising me.
One of major worries is marriage. I am still single and I was wondering if a diagnosis of ADD is confirmed for me, will I have to tell me my hurband-to-be about it? Should I expect him to understand? I sometimes think he will leave me for good! This makes Arthur’s point about accepting people for who they are resonate in my mind.
relationships are complicated and mental complications make them even harder!
Madeleine
Hi Madeleine. Your question almost feels like “when do I tell the guy I’m dating that I have kids” issue. There are many great qualities about your kid, but you know it adds extra stress to the relationship because your kid stresses you many days!!!!
I’m open about it in many situations because it helps people reframe my scattered days or other ADD behavior, as mine is considered significant. However, it depends on the person and with what you feel most comfortable.
I’m single and I would tell a guy I’m dating about it. It’s a less stigmatized disorder than other mental health issues I could discuss, like my depression/anxiety. I believe it will give me more information on the guy if he can’t see ADD as a legitimate problem or doesn’t want to understand it.
I would DEFINITELY tell the person you are dating (and possibly plan to marry) about what you deal with regarding your ADD. I am now married to a man who has severe ADD. We didn’t live together before marriage (we are Christians and believe in purity before marriage) and therefore, I didn’t get to see all that I see now. He hyperfocused on me when we were dating and I thought this kind, considerate, energized, ambitious man was the man I was going to be married to. 2 weeks into our marriage he “changed” completely. He became depressed, moody, mean and discarded my opions and interests as if I were a stranger. Now, I am fighting to find ways (including medication and therapy) to help my husband and our marriage. Truth be known if I would have known ALL of what I would be getting myself into, I never would have married this man. Although he has a good heart, he should have been a person who remained single since too much stress and responsibility brings out the worst in him.
He makes a great dad (we have 1 baby boy) but not a good partner and husband.