ADHD Parenting: Flexibility
ByI was recently sitting in a team meeting with the members of our clinic team. We were having a discussion which was partially about patients, but also partially about parenting techniques which we use as parents ourselves.
It was a very interesting discussion…
You see, I was talking about the difficulty that a set of parents were having with their ADHD and ODD teen. He would push the parents to the limits of their comfort zone. He would take any issue to the extreme – and in so doing, push either mom or dad’s buttons to the extreme.
And then the parents would either argue with each other and cave in on their expectations, or just cave in on their expectations.
Let’s be clear – I’m going to refer to a ‘theoretical’ set of parents – and pull some general types of situations that I hear about from different families to illustrate the points for this article.
In my experience, most parents have a ‘bottom line’ that they don’t want crossed. They feel that if that line is crossed, that they have failed.
The issue is that sometimes, mom and dad have different bottom lines.
And even though parents don’t say out loud what their bottom lines are, their teens know them. And they push the buttons right to the ‘bottom line’ whenever they need to get something, and it doesn’t seem to be going their way.
Although I’m speaking about a theoretical example of a 2 parent family – teens can do this just as well with a single parent as well. They just push it to the extreme on the ‘touchiest’ issue that their parent has.
And it shouldn’t surprise you that your teen knows your biggest buttons. Let’s be realistic. Kids know them before they are 10 years old. Probably before they are 6 years old – or even 4 years old. Kids observe their parents well – and they try lots of behavior to see the responses their parents will give. And then they hone in on the areas that give the biggest responses. Bingo – they know your hot button. No PhD necessary… Just time, practice, and daily wearing you down…
Back to our theoretical parents.
Let’s say that mom has a ‘bottom line’ that there can’t be any aggression in the home. And dad has a ‘bottom line’ that the parents need to provide a roof over their kid’s heads, or they have failed as parents.
So, let’s look at a theoretical situation where a teenage boy with ADHD and ODD wants to do something, and he feels that the parents are coming down too hard on him. Let’s say he wants to play ‘World of Warcraft’ and he doesn’t think it matters that he’s been on it for 11 hours today, he wants to keep playing. When mom and dad try to take the computer cord or to shut off the internet to get him to go outside, or to eat a meal – he starts to fight, and ‘goes for the throat’.
In my experience, most kids and teens with ADHD aren’t completely consciously aware of their parent’s buttons. But they certainly are unconsciously aware. And they go for it.
To make sure he will be able to get to play more time on the computer here’s a strategy he could use.
First – he gets angry, and ‘in dad’s face’. He starts yelling, and threatening. He pushes his chest out and takes a threatening posture. Dad’s anger and male ‘macho’ starts to kick in when he gets so angry about how he’s being disrespected. So, he raises his voice, and ‘puffs out’ his chest. All the while, mom is watching this and she starts to get very concerned that her son and husband are about to get into a physical fight.
Remember – mom considers the worst thing that can happen to be a physical fight in her home. So, she starts to freak out – and she jumps in to stop this ‘testosterone challenge’ from continuing.
Now, dad gets angry at mom for stepping in and undermining him. Mom feels that although this is a problem, it’s far better than letting her son and husband progress to the extent that it’s even remotely possible that they could get into a fight.
At this stage of the situation, the teenager has now split mom and dad, and he’s close to ‘winning’. He probably doesn’t feel that he’s close to winning, in fact he probably feels angry and charged up, because he was getting close to wanting to fight his dad.
Now that mom and dad are starting to fight, the teen now goes for the ‘final blow’. He has already pushed mom’s biggest button, so now he goes for dad.
He says something like: ‘I don’t have to deal with this bullsh**! If I leave and go to my Jim’s, his parents aren’t nearly as crazy as you two!’ Now this will push some of dad’s buttons.
But if he said: ‘ I’d rather live at the Salvation Army shelter than deal with this crap!’ This would really get dad going. Remember – dad considers it the ultimate failure if his kids aren’t being sheltered in his own home.
So even if mom thinks that her son could get a ‘dose of reality’ if he moved out for a while (like the shelter staff wouldn’t let him sit on a computer for 11 hours, and serve him food in his room), dad wouldn’t tolerate it.
Now, mom’s buttons are pushed, dad’s buttons are pushed, and now it is relatively easy for the teen to continue on with the behavior that he or she wanted to do in the first place.
The fallout of this – everyone is upset. The parents feel that they can’t do anything to stop their teen’s behavior. The teen is angry. Mom and dad and angry with one another, and they are arguing about what could have worked if the other parent hadn’t screwed it up. The parents feel that they need to call the doctor or the therapist because their child’s disorders (ADHD and ODD) are out of control and the medication needs adjusting…
Coming back to the meeting I was having with my treatment team at my clinic, I was talking about strategies to help these theoretical parents come onto the same page and strategies they could use to improve the situation.
The ‘solution’ to this type of situation really involves the parents doing a lot of personal and relationship work.
The parents need to change or eliminate their ‘buttons’ so that they can’t be pushed to the limit by their teen. The parents need to get on the same page, so that they can’t be ‘divided and conquered’. And the parents need to be more flexible.
Flexibility is the key.
Let’s summarize it this way: ‘she/he who is more flexible, wins’.
What I mean by this is – if your child or teen has more ways to upset you and push your buttons than you have to handle it, then he or she wins.
If you have more ways to handle the situation than they have to mess it up – then you win. And if they try to push a button – and you laugh, don’t fall for it -and go on to push their buttons, then you win.
And this is where the discussion was going with the other therapists in my team meeting. Through the course of the discussion, the team members who are also parents of teens shared some of the strategies they use.
A male therapist said that his teens have informed him that he needs to keep his shirt on when they are out in public because he’s ‘hideous’. So, when he’s out with his teens, and they are getting demanding and unreasonable – he informs them calmly that if they continue on with that issue, he will take off his shirt in 30 seconds. This new strategy has worked every time.
A female therapist explained that when her teen was having issues with getting home on time – she said that she would drive to the party and come in to get her daughter – and make sure to say hi to all of the teens and ask them about what they had been doing that night. Her daughter started coming home on time (rather than ‘die’ at how embarrassing her mother would be).
These examples are not meant to be examples of the best solutions to parenting your ADHD and/or ODD child. What they are examples of is parents who have decided that they are going to be flexible, creative, and do what it takes to show their kids that they are the parents, and they have the upper hand. When they do this successfully, they maintain some semblance of control.
When their teen pushes their buttons to the extreme, and the teen gains control, the parents have lost their ability to parent.
Think about flexibility. How can you be more flexible than your child or teen.
And if the example described above rings true to your experience, take some time to talk to your doctor or therapist about specific approaches you can take to increase your flexibility and increase your sense of control with your ADD/ADHD, ODD or just difficult child or teen.
Please share your thoughts or experiences below.
Best,
Dr. Kenny
This is absolutely right on! My DS just graduated from HIgh School in June, but let me tell you . . . it was a struggle to the end!!! His grades were abomidable, but he graduated.
The big button he was pushing was ditching classes. Not the entire day of school . . . just classes. Well, ended up that the Principal, Student @ Risk Coordinator, and his school counselor “requested” a meeting with me. “Just great!” I thought. “It’s this kid’s Senior year in High School and he just cannot do what needs doing to graduate.” Bottomline, I attended the meeting, he was counseled that if he continued to ditch classes he would be reported as truant (under the laws of this state, being 17, he was legally required to attend classes.) Bottomline . . . he DID ditch one more time. Long story short, however, it was NOT reported as truant because it was so close to the end of the school year, BUT I was required to attend yet another meeting @ school. This time I went in looking like something the cat dragged in from outside. I had warned DS that I would do that, and I followed through. I walked in with him, “chatted” with several of his friends and then we attended the meeting. (I had already told the Principal, counselor, and Student @ Risk Coordinator) what I was going to do, so they were prepared.)
It worked. No more ditching for the rest of the school year. The key is being ready to follow through. I told DS this is exactly what would happen if I had to attend any more meetings @ school for his behavior.
The issues surronding his poor choices were addressed with both his behavioral therapist and Dr., too, because my thoughts were that there was something underlying these bad choices. So, it wasn’t a matter of punishing, but teaching and getting to the bottom of the problem. Worked.
Barb
Hi Barb,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m glad that your approach worked and that your son completed high school!
My biggest question – was it hard on you to do this? i.e. to set a course of action and follow through like that?
Yes. It was difficult to follow through, but I was determined to do so. I just felt I had to take drastic action to get my son’s attention, let him realize that there ARE consequences for his actions and I was in charge!
I learned quite awhile ago with him that I have to be ready to follow through with any consequences for behavior that are issued.
I forgot to mention too that DS was VERY good @ the “divide and conquer” tactic between DH and I, but I just had a frank discussion with DH that we HAVE to be on the same page in the same book when parenting DS . . . doesn’t mean it’s always my way OR DH’s way, but we have to agree on at least a compromise so we’re presenting a united front to DS. THAT is not always easy, but has helped a great deal.
I can certainly relate to the “divide and conquer” concept – and recognizing that when the parental buttons are being pushed, it divides the parents up, thus creating far more conflict and chaos in the home. I like the challenge of being flexible and creative in staying 1 step ahead of the kids… sometimes you get so immersed in the negative behaviour that you lose all perspective, and forget that you are the adult and the one who is supposed to be on the ball, all the time!! Parenting a child with ODD/ADHD is no picnic and the issues at home and school seem never-ending, but the child is worth the effort. I am going to show this article to my husband and see if we can recognize our own “buttons” and then come up with some creative ways to deal with the negative behaviour of our 11 year old!! Thanks for a great article.
Loved this post. My son is now 16 and I think we have a better routine. It used to be that he would stay home from school when he needed a “mental health” day, and would actually sleep 12 to 14 hours. This happened 1 to 2 times per week at one point. Nothing would help, and threats and physically pushing him only made things worse. Finally we went to counceling, and bingo! she said just what you did about being divided and how we needed to be on the same page. Since it wasn’t working with my rules (my husband didn’t buy into them), we went 100% with his rules, which were more lenient, but inconsistent. Soon my son was failing all classes. So we went with very harsh rules – no TV or friends until all classes were passing. My husband agreed to try it. The grades improved to the point where almost all were passing, but once a new semester started, and he was free, boom- all classes went to Fs. So since he is bright and 16, we talked to him about making his own choices. This was very hard for my husband to let our son decide to pass or fail. But at the end of the year, he only failed 1 class, is taking summer school, and moves on to 11th grade.
It is hard to let go and let him fail, but now we are on the same page, and our son is trying harder, and being reponsible for himself. Personally, I like it better since it’s less stress for me, but I think it is more stress for my husband. It is OK to me for my son to be an underacheiver, but not so much for my husband.
It is hard to love your children exactly as they are!
Dr. Kenny,
I loved this article…how very true. My husband and I have experienced similar situations with our son (more when he was younger) and our counselor helped us realize this too. Our son is gifted and adhd and boy does he know how to work us if we let him. We have gotten to a point where we can tell that we need more time together…we had become a child centered family and needed our son to know while we love him very much, Mom and Dad need time together also. That helps us stay united and lets our son know he cannot play one of us against the other!
Amy
Just a bit of good news. Our son, now 21, is actually past the worst of his ODD and, although ADHD continues to create havoc in his life, he
is much less likely to explode and battle to the death over every thing. He continues to be disorganized and self-centered but, at times, he actually seems to understand that it is important to treat his family with a modicum of respect and decency. If we can hang in there long enough to let maturity and a few of life’s lessons kick in, maybe we can regain some of the connection that was lost during the years of struggles and bitter, hurtful arguments. Perhaps, too, in time the sibling reconnection can happen as its not just the parents and the child with ADHD/ODD that suffer during these turbulent times, its the other children in the home too.
Maybe, as we all lick our wounds and look back on the troubles that we will know if our bottom lines were well chosen.
I used to take the comupter cord to get our son off the computer. Thought it was a clever solution until he took another computer cord so when I wanted to use the comptuer I couldn’t either!!! These kids are so smart in some areas. They also have energy to wear parents down.
These are good strategies but our child is nine. I’m the grandma and not always with him but his mom works from 3p.m. to 11p.m. She doesn’t have a sitter for him and I don’t live close enough to mind him. I am also 74 years old. I think he should be at home and in bed so he gets enough sleep as he is very difficult to deal with in the morning. He is on two meds., vyvanse and one I forgot the name of but is used for mental health. I wish he could be tested so we can be sure if he has a.d.h.d. or even fetal alcohol syndrome. His “mom” not my daughter” did “drink and used drugs. My daughter has custody but is not his birth mom.He got a 2 day expulsion from school as he throws hairy fits and has hit out at his teacher and his “mom”. He has had his meds. increased. We are trying to find a school where he can get help as he still can’t read or write. He hates school. Thanks
9 is an extremely hard age, because the hormones are starting to kick in, so what once worked doesn’t seem to anymore (just my experience). So perhaps the med increase will help BUT to me, and this is just my outside observer opinion, this child definitely needs to be tested to find out exactly what he is dealing with. Once that is established, a good treatment plan can be formulated.
If your grandson hasn’t had a good physical, I’d recommend it to r/o any physical problems. I would look @ his diet to see if there could be sensitivities. I would also highly recommend behavioral therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) so that he begins to learn tools to handle his frustrations/anger.
Just my 2 cents worth based on my own experience with my son (ADHD, depression, recovering from cutting, mood disorder??)
Barb
Gail:
Wow, I pray you’re right. My DS is going to be 18 in August. He has definitely matured some in 5 yrs. but has left a wake of havoc and hurt feelings in his wake, as you mention.
I pray that the “bonds” will be more firm when he reaches 21 as well. For me, it is especially difficult as he is adopted internationally. I know for him that has created a LOT of identity issues, but he has, thus far, not been willing to face them. **SIGH** Hoping with maturing he will.
Barb
To me this article illustrates how parenting is so much like a dance. While we cannot make a child behave a certain way, if we change our “steps” the child will have to follow along…
It’s interesting to me to note that children with ADHD/ADD seem so adept at manipulation. Of course, if one parent also has ADD that can really mix up those dynamics.
I love the dance analogy . . . spot on. Yes, my 17 yr. old with the alphabet is manipulative (but so is his sister without an alphabet!). It is so true that we as parents can “change the dance” by “changing the steps”. Sometimes that’s just exactly what our kids WANT and NEED. It shows them that WE are in control of ourselves, our emotions and in general that means we have the choice of making a situation calm . . . or not. Sometimes kids push the buttons just to see if we will be in control! My DS does that ALL the time . . . so does my non-ADHD 15 yr. old DD. The more calm and in control I am of myself, the more calm the situation is, and even if THEY are out of control, eventually they “get the hint” . . . I’m not going to play into a situation.
Thanks for posting this.
My DD with ADHD returns today from 3 weeks with Grandma. I can feel my anxiety level rising already. It is good to be reminded that there are strategies out there that work. Encouragement for parents who very much need it! Cheers.
hi I am really frustrated ever since my 15 year old daughter was diagnosed ADHD she was also placed on the drug concerta. The real problem is that she is having sex with God Knows who since she refuse’ to tell me.
I am a jamaican and am really in need of some good workable advice.
She even tell lies on herself demonstrate loose behaviour.Her grades are very bad and I am finding it extremely difficult to buy the drug at $7,000.00 per month I had to stop it especially since I noticed that she gets very aggressive at times with her brothers and sister.
Right as I am writing I don’t know where she is she left to go one door away at about 9:15. My husband (who is not her father has given up trying and her biological father lives in the U.s.a help.help.help as I am thinking of putting her in a place of safety as i believe she is a threat to her self.Just recently she requested a change of environment, and that she would like to visit her father on or before her 16th birthday, which is in January of next year.I will be trying sometime in October since I have to complete my teaching Practice in November.Her brothers 21 and 18 are doing extremely well and they are a little embarrassed at her behaviour.Please reply.urgent. Winsome.Jamaica, west Indies.
Winsome – I’m sorry to hear of the challenges you are dealing with. I don’t know about the mental health resources in Jamaica, or if there are some programs to help to fund the medication ($7000 per month sounds over the top expensive. In Canada it is around $130 per month). I would speak with the doctor who wrote the prescription for Concerta, and ask about the nature of programs to help your daughter. Hopefully he or she will know of some.
Gosh! I am glad I found this blog to share my pain. I cry every day. Both, my husband and my son have ADHD. I stay in a bad marriage ( cheating, lies, so on) but I accepted the situation b/c he put food on the table and I dedicated my time to rise my son. I do everything in my power to make my son feel like a “normal” child. Spent, almost, every minute with my child, to have a good education and behavior. He got very good grades in school, straight As, b/c I do home work with him every day. But his behavior, at home, is killing me. He is 13 yrs old, takes medication, but he is screaming, arguing, sneaky, pushing the bottom to extreme and so on. I am the one who is trying to educate him, being consistent with schedule and everything, but at the same time, I feel that I can’t resist situation anymore. I am 51 yrs old, and I worry a lot. When I pick up my son from school, my heart starts to bit faster, and I need more air. It’s extremly hard! I wonder, what he will do without me, or when he will be an adult?
Sisi:
I feel for you. Maybe the dose of the med or the med itself needs changing. That happens as these kids grow and the hormones start to kick in. That’s one thing I’d explore.
What about behavioral therapy? I found with my DS that meds alone were NOT the answer. Behavioral therapy, medication, proper nutrition/exercise/rest . . . all of these things combined helped . . . not stand alone.
If you and your husband are at odds, it’s a pretty safe bet that our son picks up on the tension. Is it possible for you and your DH to get counseling? Not only for your marriage, but also to get tips about how to handle your son.
That might help.
Barb