It Feels Awful To Be Judged…
Last Sunday, I had quite an unusual experience. It taught me a very important lesson… and I’d like to share it with you.
My wife, daughter and I were planning to go to a pottery painting place not far from home. Now, I had some work which just had to get done, so we agreed that I would drive my wife and daughter to the shop where they could paint pottery, and I would take my laptop and go to a café just next door.
This happened to be a very cold Canadian Sunday… It was less than -20 degrees. Being Sunday afternoon, I was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and a hoodie (under my warm winter jacket).
I dropped my wife and daughter off, and walked next door to the café. It wasn’t a Starbucks, but rather a nice little French shop. It had very fancy pastries – but since I’ve been watching my waistline, I just ordered a coffee. I saw an electrical outlet, and I sat near it – plugging in my laptop so that my battery wouldn’t run out. I used my ‘air card’ so that I could connect to the internet.
This café was really warm… and humid. So, as I was wrapped up in my work, I took off my sweatshirt.
About 40 minutes after being there (as the only customer in the café), several people came in and were talking. After about 5 minutes, some were leaving, and a woman stood with the door open to say goodbye.
Now, remember how cold it was?
Remember I was just in my t-shirt?
After about 90 seconds, I politely asked the woman if she could close the door, as it was getting cold in the café.
She said: “I’m just saying goodbye to my family.”
I replied: “Can’t you say good bye with the door closed?” At this point I was getting cold, and frustrated. I did raise my voice somewhat to be sure she could hear me.
She stayed with the door open, talking for 2 more minutes.
I put my sweatshirt back on, and didn’t say anything else.
I want to share one thing here. I didn’t mean to yell or berate this woman (And I don’t believe that I did). But I do know that I spoke louder, and my wife tells me that sometimes I sound a lot ‘gruffer’ than I intend to when I raise my voice.
Back to the café.
It’s now been just over an hour, and although I’m really wrapped up in my work, I realize that I am getting really hungry, and I should get up and pick up some food.
But then ‘he’ entered.
A man came from the back of the café, and started to talk to me.
He was angry that I had plugged in my laptop without asking for permission. He started talking about the fact that this was not an internet café, and couldn’t I go around the corner where there was an internet café?
I apologized, and I was a little taken aback. I was pretty surprised that he was so angry about me plugging in my laptop. Once I heard more of what he was saying (and got over the surprise), I acknowledged that I hadn’t asked – and I was sorry. (And I wondered – in the 21st century, aren’t all cafés used to laptops?) I immediately unplugged my computer.
As soon as I had apologized (twice by now), he moved onto topic #2. He didn’t accept my apology – he just got angrier.
He asked me how I could yell at the woman who owns the café when she was just talking to her family?
I explained that it was the coldest day of the winter, and I was politely asking her to close the door – because she had it open for several minutes and I was getting cold.
(He briefly acknowledged that she could be chatty… but that didn’t stop his anger at me).
He said I yelled at her, and how could I be so rude?
I explained I was trying to make sure she heard me, because the door was open for so long. And I didn’t intend to yell.
After some back and forth, I retreated. I didn’t want to be arguing with this man, and I really didn’t mean to insult his wife – the co-owner of the café.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend her”.
Again, he didn’t acknowledge my apology, or accept it. He just went back to the laptop issue.
When I responded to the laptop issue, he went back to me being rude to his wife. We were going in circles, and I was getting tired of it. I didn’t think I was so rude to begin with, and I certainly didn’t feel like arguing with this man over these issues.
And then it all changed with his next question.
“What, were you just out on the streets?”
“Pardon me?” I asked, with obvious surprise on my face.
“What, were you just passing through Oakville?”
I was shocked. He was looking at me as a vagabond. A transient. A vagrant. A drifter…
I just listened with an obvious look of surprise on my face.
I started playing this through in my mind. To him, I’m just a young guy in jeans and a t-shirt. I ordered 1 coffee and sat there for an hour, and I insulted him by plugging in my computer and yelling at his wife.
“No, I wasn’t just passing through Oakville. I live here, and own a home here.”
He then said something else – which frankly I don’t remember because I was so surprised by his questions and insinuation.
Now, I’m not one to use the fact that I am a doctor to get things in life. But if there was ever a time to share my profession, now seemed like a good one.
“I’m not just a guy from the street – I’m a physician and I work at the hospital in town.”
He now started to back track a little. He clarified – “here in Oakville?”
“Yes, I said, here in Oakville”.
He then went on to say something about how they get lots of doctors and other professionals in their café, and I still shouldn’t have used my computer or yelled at his wife.
After multiple apologies from me – and his accusations of me being a bum, rude, etc. I started packing my bag and told him I’d pay him for the electricity that I used because he was so offended that I used his plug.
He walked away, and I went to the cash to pay. I paid for my coffee, and left $5 for the electricity. I must admit that I was surprised that they actually accepted $5 for what was probably 25 cents of electricity.
Why did I even leave money for this?
I decided on the spot that after being judged so negatively, it was better to just ‘take the high road’, and leave with my dignity. I didn’t think that I was nearly as rude and inconsiderate as this gentleman perceived me to be, and arguing and fighting with him would just worsen his perspective of me.
(It was interesting that his wife apologized to me as I was paying…)
I left the café, surprised that I was essentially kicked out. I was angry and upset that I was judged so negatively – particularly that the owner assumed I was a ‘street bum’.
I left there thinking: ‘It feels AWFUL to be judged’.
And then it dawned on me.
This is what happens to parents of ADHD kids all the time!
Their child misbehaves, and people around look at them with judgment in their eyes.
Harshly criticizing them for their child’s misbehavior.
It doesn’t matter how dedicated these parents are, or how much effort they put into treatment of their child’s very real disorder. These people judge and criticize harshly, and wrongly.
Now, I’ve had many discussions with parents about how when other people judge them as bad parents, that it is just ignorance, and they should ignore it. Most parents appreciate that I acknowledge this issue.
What I didn’t realize was how awful it can feel to be judged so harshly – especially for an unjustified reason.
So, although it was an experience that I wish hadn’t happened, I believe that it has given me valuable experience, which will help me to relate to you – a parent of a child or teen with ADHD or ADD. I understand it much better now, and I’ll do a better job discussing this issue with you – on my blog, in my newsletter, and for my patients in my office – we’ll have better discussions about it as well.
And I will be much more direct and challenging with ‘the offenders’ if I ever see someone doing such harsh judging (though I’ll watch to not raise my voice too much – or I may sound too gruff!)
All the best,
Dr. Kenny
P.S. if you are a parent of a child with ADD or ADHD, and you want to decrease the number of times that you have embarasing and difficult times, then learn more about strategies that work. Visit this blog often (and sign up in the box on the right), and you can learn from my comprehensive program with Dr. Russell Barkley – Secrets to ADHD Success.
P.P.S. Please feel free to comment at the bottom of this post and share your experiences with this issue - this blog has led to a lot of useful discussion between people interested in learning about ADD/ADHD
P.P.S. Why don’t I name the cafe, and tell all of you not to go there? Well, I acknowledge that there are always two sides to every story, and I don’t want to be vindictive (even though I was really ticked off at the time!)
Technorati Tags: ADD, ADHD, Parenting
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Written by Dr. Kenny Handelman - The ADHD Doctor
To find get a FREE special report on ADD/ADHD Medication, visit: Medication Mastery
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February 18th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
This is very sad to hear, yes, our whole street thinks we’re wierd because we have ADHD kids. They don’t understand how hard it is to live with this everyday. Instead they judge us.
February 18th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Kenny,
Thanks for this great story! I couldn’t stop reading to see what would happen.
When my son was younger, he suffered health challenges and…ADD. I couldn’t go anywhere without him darting into traffic, yelling, etc. People would comment on him and me, roll their eyes, say bad things and generally make me feel like a terrible parent.
This was 13 years ago before ADD and ADHD were talked about. I felt like the loneliest parent on the planet and I couldn’t understand why my son was acting like this even though I gave him unconditional love and didn’t let him ‘just run wild.’
I hate how people judge; people don’t know what’s really going on. I wish people would stop freaking out about the little things in life - stop jumping to conclusions aboout people. We all have bad days.
The jerk on the highway might have just buried his mother, the rude woman in the coffee shop might have just found out her husband wants to leave their 20-year marriage.
In terms of judging people, people should mind their own business, have a little more compassion and kindness and help out more.
That’s my rant for the day - life is too short to be miserable. Let’s spend our time making it a better place and less time judging others.
Thanks for that article,
Lisa Rickwood
http://www.escapethepace.com
February 18th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
In the long run, the $5 you left in taking the high road is priceless! The old saying is true that you cannot judge a book by its cover or judge another person until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes, etc. Yet, often we feel the need to “justify” ourselves or our children to strangers. Why? I think that would be a good topic. Yes, if a child’s behavior or an adult’s for that matter, affects others, do apologize and take corrective action if needed; ie settle child down, lower voices or leave if necessary. But, why justify or explain personal issues to strangers?
Now, there are those who are inconsiderate of others and feel entitled to behave and for their children (sometimes even pets) to behave however they please having no consideration of others. That is a different matter. I believe those people have a whole set of other issues not related to the stories you tell.
Thanks!
Sheri Warner
February 18th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Have been on the receiving end of being judged as an inadequate parent many times, and as an adult, although it does not feel good, I can accept it. My heart goes out to my child who has had to endure the label “lazy and stupid” from teachers and peers, including being told he was a lazy troublemaker by the school principal, while in my presence. By sharing this anecdote, you have shown me that despite all of your experience, it can still be hurtful and degrading to be judged, and children do not have the “you don’t know who you are talking to” scenario to fall back on.
Would love for you to forward your tale plus any comments back to the owner of this cafe. : )
February 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Oh what a familiar experience! While as a parent, I know why my child behaves as he does, it sometimes isn’t enough to take away the guilt and shaming doled out by strangers who feel compelled to point out my child’s misdeeds! I have at times been angered by someone’s gratuitously rude manner in which she has pointed out what both my child and I are doing wrong–in those situations I feel compelled to express to the individual that “my son is only five and is working hard on learning manners–something that many adults have yet to master.” Sometimes taking the wind out of someone’s sails takes the sting out of bitter comments. I am sometimes tempted to avoid taking my little guy to those difficult environments (grocery store, church, restaurants…), but avoidance doesn’t give him the opportunities to learn just what is and isn’t OK. My skin is just becoming thicker by the day! LP
February 18th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Thank you for your story and your understanding of our situations. I think of all the eye rolls I have received because of my son’s antics. It has all been worth it because my son has been a source of wonder, joy and frustration to me, he is the child like me. I think about how empty my life would have been without him and I rejoice he came into my life. I am a better person and much more tolerant of other because of him.
February 18th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Funny, I have to admit I don’t believe anyone has judged me as a bad parent (at least not to my face). However, I judge myself daily and go over my previous actions for the past 17 years.
I have failed miserably as a parent and frankly I shouldn’t have had children. I now have a 17 year old with ADD who didn’t phone or come home last night, even though I reminded him that he was to be home by 9:30pm as it was a school day the next day. He smokes cigarettes, hangs out with the wrong crowd and drinks. I thought I had done everything right, but obviously I failed. I don’t need others to judge me.
February 18th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Your story brought tears to my eyes. I have a 32 year old son that has severe ADD. Not only have we been judged as a bad parents but our son has been judged as a bad kid. Doctors without ADD knowledge have been the worse with teachers coming in second.
Our son and his ADD doctors have struggled to find the correct medicine and dosage for over a year. We have hope that one day our son will be able to work (which he so desperately wants) and live a normal life.
Thank you for acknowledging your growth experience. Many of us could use this experience.
February 18th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
The story was very interesting and from a customer service point of view it was also disturbing. It would have been some what understandable if it were an employee of the Cafe who treated you that way. Considering the fact that you purchased a coffee there makes you a paying customer. Although your actions may seemed offensive to the owners regardless what kind of customer service do these people have if the owners treat their customers in such a manner. I don’t think I would really want to go there.
Sincerely
Elias
February 18th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I have been judged as a lousy parent by a doctor. Now, this is not a nice feeling but I sat there and heard him out. I was so angry and so upset that I just got up and walked out. It was a doctor of neurology and in my saner moments realize that he probably doesn’t realize what he is saying, to whom or about the subject (LD/ADD etc.). In my not so sane moments I realize that I should have said something (anything) to him and he should not have been so cruel.
Live and Learn!
February 18th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I listen to your story around judgement and wonder about stress. If you were the only person in the cafe all afternoon, i can feel for the owner and her stress, why is she open and why does she have a person for a coffee, being mindless about their nice cafe- where’s your respect- they are not an internet cafe. Stress makes people narrow minded, only able to see their side of the picture.
There are times that dealing with a child that stresses out a parent so much like ADHD, makes for a poor outlook of the big picture around them. I have stress for many reasons. I tried to have my daughter diagnosised and finally found someone to help me when she was in grade 5. And we saw the doctor for a short time. But, at one point wanted to stop giving medications and not just switch meds- for fear of what was happening around taking meds off the market and being bad for children. Because i stopped meds, i lost all support from the doctor. For a couple of years we struggled alone again. It seems that if your child is not a total mess, your efforts are not recognized and help is passed by. The schools kept ignoring our needs because my daughter was not so far behind. I am at a point of our life that all seems- one big give up. My daughter has turned 16, and has signed herself into a group home. She has slipped behind more in school and unsolved problems have been happening for some time. Our paths for sucess have not been a good walk. Today, I am a frustrated parent, with a child, now a runaway teen. Time ran out for us, it seems. There is still hope but from someone else needing to do the advocating for my daughter. Peg me no good and I will say look at the big picture and observe the blocks from our society- from doctors to schools and now the system. I can only pray that my girl turns out okey and that my upbringing will shine through. Why is it so tough to parent an ADHD child? Consider the biased views and the judging. We can’t all be bad parents, it would be nice to have support for a trouble that is so under estimated. And no easy answers.
February 18th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I havent read all the responses but its true that most people do not know or understand at all what its like to live w/ kids & a spouse w/
ADHD. It can be very hard at times. Even family members who know
still dont understand. The worst part is being a Mom and always feeling there is more I could be doing to make things better. And I should have handled “that” better….Its just so frustrating. Im the adult, its my job to stay calm……. On & on & on
February 18th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Well, there is one thing that has not been acknowleged, Dr. Kenny. Being a 55 year old female with a very high IQ and fairly severe ADHD, I am acutely aware of judgment. I don’t mean to throw gas on the fire here, but you are judging the “street people” and the “bums”….and that does not seem fair to me. We all need to be kind and to humble ourselves in all ways, to all people, or we will all continue to be judged in one way or another. A little empathic reasoning and humility goes a very long way when one has ADHD or not.
Genuinely,
Janice LaFlam
February 18th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
That guy was just bitter that he decided to take on the behemoth that is Star_)(*_*cks, and not only should he work somewhere away from the public, he should also rethink his business acumen, a coffee shop, come on…
He apparently doesn’t have the stomach for being a entrepreneur at all, he should have a clue about customer service and that the customer is always right. Retail 101.
This guy’s head in the clouds mentality really does paralell, unfortunately, how ignorant parents and teachers are in regards to all psychiatric illnesses that inflict all of us, especially our beloved kids.
Well done Dr. Calm, and your story will resonate with many in many different realms, both at home and work..
The bitter owner should probably also realize that he probably has anger issues and other baggage, maybe he should just stay out ot the cafe, they will have less customer turnover.
February 18th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
We all judge each other - this is part of the process of understanding. I think one of the key points is to keep gathering information until you are sure that your “judgement ” is as good as it can be at that time. If it is you should probably be able to convince a skeptical person of your view. The shop owner did not seem interested in making an inquiry possibly because he was already injured: the genie in the bottle phenomenon. Nobody was coming to his cafe and then those that did were blamed for those that didn’t. We all take offense at being judged - then feel good about judging others. Anybody can get angry, and even anyone can get even. A real challlenge is to get understood and understanding.
February 19th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Jan Burrell: I read your comment, and I doubt that you have “failed miserably as a parent.”
Elaine: My friend’s daughter ran away at age 16, and today she is happily married and has a wonderful son that brings a lot of joy to my friend.
Please, both of you, don’t give up hope, and don’t judge yourselves harshly.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:23 am
Yes your blog struck a familiar note and the heartfelt responses to it echo with the pain that parents of kids with ADHD experience on a daily basis. It is hard to have to deal with how people around you judge your child and your competence as a parent. But I’m hoping its a skill that I will hopefully get better at with all the hard parenting
work and being less sensitive/explosive to people’s thoughtless comments! for all those brave mum’s and dads out there who battle this daily-GOOD WORK! and god bless you!
February 19th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I am an adult with ADD. Aug 2006, my mom had a brain bleed from her medications and was basically unconscious until she passed away April 5, 2007. During that time, I tried to take off as little time from work as possible, but we also had a huge storm in October and my children were home from school for a week. Then my son got a strange virus and home for another week in Nov. Between my husband, and me we delt with going to work and being home during this time. So, in Aug 2007, I needed a day. I was so burned out from the previous year that it just hit me one day, so I took a personal day, which was well within my 8 personal days I get in a calendar year. My boss tells me I have gone over my personal days for a 12 month rolling time period, Aug 2006- Aug 2007. I have never had attendance issues with my 16 years with the company. I did not even know about this policy, as it is only a few years old. I do not talk about being ADD at work. I freaked out when he told me I had a verbal warning and the next time would be a written one. With everything I had been through, you would think there would be some understanding with all I had been through in the last year. My boss is young, single and this is first management position. He handled it very poorly. I judge him only in the sense that he is inexperienced and has had not had to deal with much trauma in his life yet. Whether this had anything to do with being ADD, or just a terrible time that would cause anyone to crumble, I am not sure, but I know that being ADD, I was on the brink all the time. So much going on all at once, trying to keep it all together. Sometimes we cannot put ourselves in others positions. My mom used to tell me, don’t judge, you don’t know what has happened to them. Maybe they got some bad news. Smile and be nice to them, it may be the only smile they have gotten in a long while.
February 19th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Thank you all for your replies.
Your comments have given me many things to think about.
I will pull together my thoughts and post a new article on this issue of judgment.
One quick comment: Janice - I hear what you are saying. It was not my intention to judge ’street bums’, but rather to express my frustration at being judged for something that I am not. I do agree with your comment that we all need to work to get rid of judgment as much as is possible. I will think more about your comment…
Dr. Kenny
February 19th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
hi, this story and comments make me cry as now i know that parents out there with adhd children are seeming as unfit parents like me.Being judged by strangers hurts but whats even worse is being called a lousy mother by your husband is something else.After 6 mentally battered years i had the courage of dumping my husband and my child was diagonised with adhd which he inherited from his father.(.my ex husband).then i moved state to live with my parents and sisters ,,as i thought them ,being family would be understanding .but noooo way…..i walked on broken glass for another 3years.
Then meeting an open minded man helped me move out of the other hell .
What are you thinking???ah finally she lived happily ever after…
he.he. i wish..cos nobody can be in our shoes.no matter what treatment,therapy,strategy,research .We cant do miracles and make blabbers understand….
February 19th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Let me first start by saying unfortunately it is human nature to judge, we all judged the cafe owner right away. And we ALL do it! Wether it is how someone is dressed,how someone looks or how someone behaves. It is however how we express that judgement, some people have to make a comment weather it be right wrong or indifferent. Some people are just negitive and have to cast judgement “if it is not their way of doing things”. But very and I mean VERY few times do we say how can I help this person who has the child who is being difficult, or how can I help this cafe owner who just maybe can’t pay his utility bill this month, instead we are wrapped up in ourselves to worry about the other person. The cafe owner was rude the little person in the store was streaming at the top of their lungs and we just wanted them to be quiet. We as human kind need to try and make things positive. So you don’t like the shirt someone is wearing, well you didn’t spend the money to buy it, and maybe it brightened their day because it was their favorite colour! We just need to stop and think before we speak.
February 19th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Thank you…. like you I write what is important as to the experiences I have in this world ,as well as my need to also work it out on paper and to get feedback. By sharing we learn we are not alone and also broaden our perspectives by seeing life through others and at the same time identifying with the efforts to make sense of it all.
I am 56 years old woman and trying to get back in the Masters of education program to finish the course…and my supervisor…a woman and the head of school has no use for me or my ADHD and now too varified multiple learning disabilities although I too have a “very high IQ” as the education psychologist told me after finishing a whole a battery of test and paying some $3,000.00 to find out finally what the heck is going on… how I could be so “smart and stupid at the same time” and all my life…. and indeed as a boomer the schools and parenting skills demonstrated to me were less than encouraging….”Why are you so lazy…stupid…weird….can’t you be human?” Dropping baggage like that is a life long challenge pershaps but worth it…my kids did not have that crap from me!
Indeed I had two children…a boy and a girl and…sure enough…after they two were grown ….we discovered we are all a bouquet of ADD’ers ! No wonder we never could go back to the same resturant twice in one year (they might remember us!) Now we can laugh but you know what…my son is doing great…he works in the Oil Patch and now is with an international company….my daughter after many small car accident, many ups and downs with her hormones and ADHD but no diagnosis (she put herself on the Pill as she found when she did have a boyfriend and went on the Pill she calmed down considerably….she also smoked pot as a kid (no I did not know this …but her father did and also he paid for many of her ‘finder benders until that got just too expensive…by age 23 she had had 7 minor thank god….car accidents ….OUCH! As a single parent I quit smoking because I wanted my kids to eat well and I exercised, I never drank and I attended group support offered by ALANON…a 12 step program for families of alcoholics…. that is one of the reasons I was able to be both a fairly successful parent, college student and contributer to society…volunteering and being a good role model. Was I irratic, yes but I was also focused on being the best I could and yet once | was no longer a parent in an active family life… I moved on yet I also have since discovered ….without the structure that our little townhouse, college classes, sports Mom obligations and all other family routines (including caring for elderly parents) that once finished this….that I was left with all my impulsive’ness and though the adventures I went on were…amazing..including living abroad and in various jobs and cultures…. I was also becoming more lost and depressed without understanding why….the hormonal changes really do impact on ADD women I finally discovered and also learned a great deal as to he particular challenges women have with ADD in the maturing years…with little or now support from the community. We women are supposed to be ….organized, stable, supportive, wise and caring right…. so if we are not and if we have learning disabilities that also have not been diagnosed ….we are often trying to do “female jobs” that require routines, attention to details, constant level emotional presentations for the work station and above all …on time and reliable and able to say the right thing at the right time. oPPS!
WE women have a lot to learn about the subtle but invasive affects of ADD and any LD challenges in this world that allows less and less differences. We are square pegs being forced in square holes…but boy do we appreciate when others suffer such menacing attitudes from the general public. I have found that learning to listen more, learning to meditate daily (it does settle the hippocampus down and that is one area of the brain that is really battered over time and emotional issues a life time presents…) and now |I have a home…of my own… and joined a liberal like church that does not judge people so easily…. a saga or community I find is important for me to be invoved with even without a live in family, as well as for getting caring and friendship back. We need to keep good positive people in our lives and….drop the ones who are perhaps ‘energy vampires’ I have found that learning to love and care for myself is important now. And with that…I am less confronted with other people’s toxic issues that sometimes get dumped on my door step. Not a perfect world but …one that is finally starting to make sense and ..give me direction!
Thank you for all you sharing….I feel indeed “normal”…. like the setting on the washing machine of life suggests….one notch at a time!
Brigit
February 19th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
LOL
Sorry, but that is the welcome you get in Oakville, most of the time! I am a single mom and have lived here for about 12yrs. now. We have the most professional people per capita then any other town in Ontario. Or at least we held that title for a loooong time. I work for an elderly woman in East Oakville the “richer” part of town and other then her I can’t stand the people in that area, they look down on me, because of the way I dress. I do everything for this woman and I mean everything, today I stacked a face cord of wood. I don’t wear nice clothes because I don’t know what I will be doing from day to day. I have actually taken her shopping and had a sales woman (a lakeshore store I won’t name) although I would like to, she looked at the way I was dressed and SNUBBED me…..lol it was hilarious!!! If she could put her nose any higher in the sky I would have been amazed. But I am sure glad your here, my son and I have an appointment with you the end of March, we can’t wait to get started on some new stratagies with your help.
SO WELCOME TO OAKVILLE DR. HANDELMAN FROM ONE OF THE SLUM DWELLERS!
SORRY I COULDN’T RESIST!
I love this blog,
keep the stories coming!
February 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Thanks for the story Dr Kenny!!!!
To Annie;
All of us as ADHD sufferers or parents are judged.. My family isn’t any different than yours. I even went to library and got books on ADHD for both my parents. Neither of them read what I selected. My father still belives it is lack of discipline and my mother thinks it can be cured with herbal remedies. I have read so much on ADHD ( I am a self proclaimed expert) and know neither is true. I have been judged by the school system and the peditrician. They may know ADHD somewhat but REALLY can’t understand because they don’t live it. Web sites like Dr Kenny’s is a great place to visit and often. I also have a blog on coping with ADHD(click on my name if you would like to visit.) When my son was diagnosed I felt like I did something wrong and I was a bad parent. Now I am well informed and look at the positve side of ADHD and am more than willing to take anyone on that thinks otherwise!
To Cynthia…Great story
Peace and hugs to all
February 20th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Hello
This is my first comment on your blog, so please don’t JUDGE me based on your first impression. I am a father of ADHD, PDD child. Now, lets see this situation first. Then maybe discuss your enlightenment on us (parents) be judged by outsiders.
I also use my laptop in some cafes just for a cup of tea. While doing this I know that I looks like somebody who takes a lot and pay close to nothing.
There are 2 kinds of cafes: those who install WiFi and those who intentionally don’t do it. The 2nd kind of cafes don’t like the business of a cup of coffee per table per 2 hours (they are business owners and they do their calculations).
Now, I have a Cellular Modem and I can connect from everywhere. I know that I am unwanted in a cafe without WiFi. So, I buy a cup of tea, sit in a corner, keep quiet, look around is there other available tables for other people. I leave a good tip, much larger than needed. If a cafe gets full of people, I buy some food to remain to stay there with my laptop.
Regards your feelings - I guess you felt terribly bad. If I put myself into your shoes - that feels really BAD.
Regards us parents to be judged by outsiders - I think it is no problem now, because ADHD is so widespread and well known, “ahah…” they say, “this kid is Hyperactive, I see”. It is a typical situation even in workplaces to hear one tells another (as a joke): “have you missed your Ritalin pill today? It is impossible to work with you now!”
Have a good day.
Arieh
February 20th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Hey Dr. Kenny,
Just reading about this makes me angry - angry at people who judge others, without taking time to get to know the real person, inside. One of your readers was very correct in saying that we all need to be kinder and more respectful of each other.
My son, who is adopted, has ADHD and my foster daughter, who has lived with me for 11 years, also has ADHD. Honestly there are days when I question my own sanity — what on earth was I thinking???? And when I get my 5th call from the school in one week saying my son has yet again had a melt down behaviourally, I want to run and hide…. I feel that the school is judging him and me, even though they are always professional and kind, I still feel the judgement and condemnation.
It says in the Bible, Judge not, lest ye be judged. We would all be wise to follow this golden rule!
One final word — let’s hope this cafe owner’s child is not ADHD and has a consultation with you!!
Now that would be dramatic irony!
Have a great day.
Kim
February 21st, 2008 at 2:16 am
We are all shaped, in part, by the feedback that we receive from others. Some feedback can be more easily ignored or downplayed (i.e. when we know it is incorrect). Despite your annoyance with the situation, Dr. H., you were never in danger of really feeling like a homeless person so the ‘damage’ so to speak is quite minimal. In your case, there was a lesson to be learned, in that you got the small opportunity to experience what, up until that point, was explained to you by others but not personally felt. So, you can chalk it up to a rather distressing learning experience, hopefully a one shot deal.
Feedback that ’speaks’ to our own insecurities (i.e. that we might be bad parents) as it can really can be hurtful as it seems to confirm our greatest fears. This is the feedback that rocks our inner selves if received in sufficiently large quantities or received from people whose opinions we value highly.
When the child with ADHD (also true for children that have any number of other disorders or disabilities) endures a lifetime of judgement about their differences from other children, from teachers, from doctors, from family members etc. we see the development of secondary disabilities - issues with self-esteem and negative feelings towards self and others - both of which tend to feed into lower performance which, in turn, confirms the child’s fear that he/she really is stupid.
In an attempt to counter this influence perhaps it is necessary for us to remind ourselves and our children - daily - that we are neither perfect nor awful - that we make mistakes and do the best that we can most of the time - that ADHD is part of the landscape in our lives and for better or worse we must find ways to acknowledge and accept. It isn’t ‘who’ we are but is part of our world.
If we (and our children) can find ways to love ourselves and one another within the confines of our homes then it is easier for all of us to endure the slights that the world dishes out. My failing, many times, has been to let our home become a ADHD battleground - supposedly so that I am teaching my children right from wrong by holding firmly to some principle or another. What I have done, instead, is to import the judging and the negativity from the outside world into our house. I feel most keenly the shame of not regularly saying ‘I love you’ and giving my children (whose ADHD had driven us all crazy all day) the hugs that would have let them know that, despite their actions, they are truly treasured. As young children it was easy to tuck them into bed with lots of love tucked in with them but as teens it seemed virtually impossible to find positive things to say given the constant frustration and argument that had taken over our lives.
My oldest is 19 - but its not too late - and I commit to trying not to judge his mistakes too harshly and to squeeze a hug past his bulky frame sometime soon.
So many teens take their lives in dangerous directions - whether or not they have ADHD - and with love and time the majority find healthier directions. Keep the faith.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:52 am
Some people who act aggressively and territorially seem to be operating from the brain stem only. That part that we share with reptiles …some things are worse that ADHD.
February 25th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Hello,
I tried to look you up on the CPSO website. Are you a physician by training or a Counseling Psychologist? Don’t get me wrong, the information you provide is quite useful and relevant, but I just wanted some clarification on the topic.
- A Reader
February 25th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Hi,
I am an MD licensed in Ontario.
If you visit the CPSO and use the ‘advanced search’ (which you have to do to find a specialist), you will find me.
Dr. Kenny
February 26th, 2008 at 8:50 am
As I see it, there is entirely too much so called medicine being given out to these kids. The health care professionals are dead wrong! People, you are giving very dangerous drugs to your innocent children. These drugs are addictive, and unhealthy to the well being of your kids. These drugs cause the heart to beat faster and harder and could KILL your child. There has been numerous deaths related to these so called ADHD drugs. Have you yourself looked into all the pros and cons of all that’s being said before you settle your mind on taking the easy and extremely dangerous way of getting your child to learn? With all the drugs being passed on to so many kids, Doesn’t it make you wonder why we have so many kids on these drugs to begin with? So the child is a normal, healthy and active kid. Why do you want to dope him/her up and think a dangerous pill is going to make it all better. Do you want a healthy child or a child who has to be a dependent, sickly zombie. What does their future hold? There are other ways to help your child learn and be a good student and drugs is not it. Try redesigning what the child eats for one. Real food, vitamins, fresh air, good concerned parent/s, restful sleep, learning cd’s and programs, etc. etc. Down with the drugs, let your kid be a kid just like you were back then.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:05 am
What really is appalling to me about this Cafe story is that both the woman and the man who argued with you were the owners of the Cafe. How unprofessional of a Business Owner to act when they should be trying to PLEASE their customers. They onviously know nothing about good Customer Service!
February 26th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Hi Lynne,
Although I disagree with your comment -thank you for sharing it.
If you want to learn more about medication for ADHD - and how important it can be (and how it can be taken safely), please visit: http://www.medicationmastery.com.
All the best,
Dr. Kenny
February 26th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Dear Dr. Handleman:
All I can say is what you experienced certainly is bullying and you handled it wonderfully! You taught that man how to handle situations like the one you were in by taking the high road instead of bullying. Good for you for paying for the electricity!
As for me, it certainly gave me pause to think about my OWN reactions to frustrating situation both at home and outside. Thank you for sharing your experience.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
This is in reply to Lynne K.’s comments about drugs. TALK ABOUT JUDGEMENT - what makes you so sure, Lynne, that all of the parents who consult with physicians and agree to giving their children drugs are not ‘ good/concerned parents’. Do you really think that we are all opting for the ‘easy’ way out - and that we want our children to be ‘dependent sickly zombies’. So, in your schema the ‘good’ parents do not allow their children to take medications and the ‘bad’ parents do. This is not a rational perspective.
The majority of parents - whether or not they have children with ADHD - are well meaning and want what is best for their children. The decision to accept medication as one of the strategies to assist the child is not made lightly nor with the blatant disregard for his/her welfare as you are stating. Medication can be ONE of the ways to help - along with many other strategies, such as those that you suggest and many, many more. We don’t just get our children on drugs and then sit back on easy street - there are lots of challenges to face - daily. If your child can suceed without medication then I am happy for you. It is not true for all children and I don’t think that your overgeneralization is helpful to the discussion.
What would help, however, would be for you to provide information about the source of your comments about ADHD drugs (the negative affects on heart beat and possibility of death, their addictive properties). If you have facts and research (journal articles, for example) to back this claim up then please offer it up so that we (the horrible parents that put their kids on drugs) can learn and inform ourselves (as you have suggested).
February 26th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Judge not, lest ye be judged. I like that. Unfortunately in our world that is not a possibility. As parents of children with ADD/ADHD we and they are continually judged. Whether by ourselves, our families, our friends, teachers or doctors.
My daughter was a late diagnosis, 15 years old. Her grade one teacher said she thought she had ADD, the doctor disagreed. So instead we spent the next 8 years trying to help her.
We as parents deal not only with the big judgments but the little ones every single day. We see our children struggle to be accepted, we see the hurt on their faces and long only to make their lot a little easier. Any parent, or person who has not had to raise an ADHD/ADD child has no idea of the judgment they and their parents live with each and every day. A fish bowl is a good example.
February 26th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Dr. Kenny,
Thank you for your comment…the point that I was making had more to do with the way you felt; and the terms you used during the offense of the store keeper and his wife. I think they probably thought that your reaction was borederline rude; and from the way HE reacted, it sounds as if he may suffer from ADHD as well…you know the drill with some ADHDers when they start, especially being emotionally volitile, they sometimes can NOT stop! So, on and on it goes.
Perhaps if you went back and explained to the man your feelings and apologized for your reaction, he may have a better understanding of you …and possibly his own response. It will also make you feel better to get back on the high road again.
Back to the terms used…”Street Bum” and “He was looking at me as a vagabond. A transient. A vagrant. A drifter… “.
…the bum, after street, is what I found somewhat offensive…..there are so many brilliant people who live on the street (although most of the brilliant ones are usually ill and unmedicated), but there are also MANY people on the street who once were Doctors, Lawyers, Indian Chiefs, whole families, etc. ….people who were maybe just like you, but some hell descended upon them and now there they are. Everyone has a story and unless we walk in their shoes, we will not know the hell they’ve been through.
The terms you projected in regard to how you thought he was judging you are quite similar to the terms used to describe Jesus Christ when He walked the earth…so actually, you stand with profound company.
It wasn’t the judgment that struck me as much as the misuse of a “whole other group” who go through their days being misunderstood, treated harshly, and even used in a blog forum on the negative side to make a point. It didn’t make sense to me.
I don’t think you wrote this to puposefully offend people on the street, but I do think that if you look at it more clearly, you’ll see that you were doing the same thing to the “street people” as you believe the store-keeper was doing to you. That’s all. No judgment here. I think you provide an excellent service to people. Thank you for attending to my chatter…..I’m impulsive! LOL!
Genuinely,
Janice
February 26th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Dr. H.
Can you comment on whether any of the ADHD medications can cause fast heart beat and/or death? Are there addictive concerns associated with any/all of these medications? You have probably addressed this previously, so please excuse the ‘repeat’ question.
February 28th, 2008 at 3:33 am
Well, Doc, I think U need more info about electricity. Since power is $0.062/kwh, and if your laptop adapter draws maybe 250 watts max., then 1 hr of use would have consumed 1/4 of 6 cents. U should have paid him 2 cents max. What has the other $4.98 for? Being treated unprofessionally and rudely? No, it was to show him that U are no bum. My question.. why care what an a****** thinks?
February 28th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Hey Dr. H,
I was introduced lately to ‘transactional analysis. Although I only got the ‘Coles notes’ from what I understand, when you ’scolded the owners wife - you ‘hooked her ‘wounded child’ with your ‘angry parent’ role.
Although she tried to respond/ defend her actions in her own shop /working on a weekend, when I’m sure she wishes she could leave with her family, it seems she was intimidated by you & retreated to her husbands protection.
Who then had to defend his wife, with testosterone (not sure what his role is called) Rescuer I think !
Then we get into co-dependence where she has to apologize for her husband defending her rights to do as she pleases - just as you did what you pleased with the electricity. but she doesn’t feel she deserves to be defended, and so apologizes.
Well, very interesting topic for the armchair analysis !
Take care
February 29th, 2008 at 8:17 am
Good Morning,
It’s Leap Day here in the US. So take this opportunity to take the highest road possible. Go back to the cafe and buy some pastries at a time when the owner or his wife are working. I’m sure you and they are wanting to ‘get over it’ and move on. Lessons learned….etc, etc, etc., blah, blah, blah.
Taking the highest ground by stating the desire to start over with a clean slate, reintroduce yourself etc., would possibly lead to an good relationship with a great pastry chef and his family, and quite possibly some new clients!
Shelia- loved your reply. lol
Happy Leap Day!
February 29th, 2008 at 8:24 am
This blog just keeps circling around and around. I never know when the submit comment button will stop coming onto the screen.
February 29th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Being a parent of a child with ADHD I totally understand about being judged. I recently started a new job. As i was introduced to the people I would be working with. I was warned about a guy who starts later. They said he is weird and to be careful around him. I thought he can’t be that bad. I eventually met the guy. I will admit that I had my gaurd up. The first few nights I didn’t talk to him much. Then I thought this is sad he is left out of our conversations and he isn’t asked to go on break with us. I decided to talk to the guy. He was very nice to me and he did seem to have some issues. He explained to me how he feels alienated here and how all his life people kind of stayed away from him. I asked him if he did anything to cause people to treat him this way . He said no but once they find out I have ADD they back away and avoid me. I said i understood what he meant because i have a son with ADHD. I told him not to worry about what others think. From then on I started to talk to him more and invited him out side during break for a cigarette. When he wasn’t around I got comments on how can I talk to him . He can’t carry on a conversation it jumps all over the place. I said well he has ADD and people that have that problem are know to jump from story to story. I said I have to give the guy credit. he has had the same job for a tear which is hard for people wit ADD/ ADHD to do. I also told them a little about his issues and that by alienating him or making him feel left out can be causing his anger issues. I said maybe he is embarrassed to talk about his feelings. I am slowly educating my co workers and they are slowly coming around. Starting my 3rd week at my new job, I am happy to see my co owrkers involving the so called crazy guy in our breaks. I even went as far as heping him out on his job because he showed up late. I when I was done for the night with 30 minutes left in my shift I asked him if he needed help catching up. He was so happy and thanked me 5 or so times. He even thanked me in front of the supervisor and our coworkers. He said thanks to Arly I got caught up. She was the only person that offered to help me. I was always put on the back burner when it came to people helping me. I feel good knowing I am adding happiness to his life. I will now help him before I help anybody else. I think it is important to show kids/ adults with disabilities that they are just as important as the next person. They need to know that they matter.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
Dear Kenny,
I ‘m so sorry for my comment is a bit late; i have been on bad terms with my husband. He is egoist and never help me in upbringing our children and doing the domestic chores.I work inside and outside the house.I read your article on sex and add teens which was inportant, but i didn’t write any comment as my child is four and ten months ;i will keep tracing his progress .As far as the story is cocerned; I belong to a muslim country and poeple neve rstop judging each other be it based on evidence or not although this is prohibitted in islam and manners .those who judge poeple are unworthy and shouldn’t be given much importance. if they know who you are and what you do for our children ,they will bend their heads for respect because he who doesn’t know misjudge.Don’t care about them ;i congratulate you on your knowledge and hard work.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Hey Dr. K,
Well done you handled “Lynne” a lot nicer then I would have….IF my son weren’t on meds, I think someone (not naming any names) may have strangled him by now! Fresh air, good food, vitamins! Sheesh what does she think we feed our kids…….McDonalds???
Gail,
The drugs can cause some side effects….google them! The pros far out way the cons trust me!
March 1st, 2008 at 12:39 am
Ive been searching for somewhere to go where Im not an “odd ball”
Its frusterating and can be harsh and painful, but the day I started to see ADHD as a life style and not burden and as something I can manage through self awarness and natural stratagies and not look at it as something that needs to be fixed or cured in me, things got better. Everybody spent so much time trying to fix me to be normal, when there is nothing to be fixed. ADHD is a life syle and not a disease. And sure I run into people like your Cafe “friend” all the time but at the end of the day I answer only to myself and frankly a yahoo like that doesnt deserve that kind of power over me.
(my spelling still and will always suck though 
Im a 29 yo ADHDer and although it is unfortunate Dr Kenny you had this encounter with this short sighted individual, I thank-you for sharing your story and your reflection on your impact. Its not everyday I come across someone that says: Im starting to understand or at least: Im trying to understand.
Welcome to a day in the life of an ADHDer
For the parents of ADDer, patients and open up the world of self discovery for your kids. Highlight the strengths, too many people focus on the negatives already.
And speaking to the Meds debate: I was on riddlin and ended up being hospatalized for insomnia, I was put on Dex and ended up manic. I am currently taking a small arsonal of vietimins and on a regulated diet and it seems to be working, I have infact managed to write this passage in one sitting
One of the biggest problem I see with this issue is that everyone is looking for the magic bullet as a cure all for everyone one of us ADHDers. And the INDIVIDUAL is over looked. I have no quams with people trying meds if it suits them and if it works all the power to them. However I will strongly encourage everyone too keep searching and explore for the answers in which you seek. And most of all dont be afriad to get 2nd or 3rd or 100 opinions from a vast array of specialists.
Well thats me everyone. Thanks for this blog. Im sure I will be offering all sorts of ADHD experiences as time goes on.
Thanks for listening.
March 1st, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Hey Cynthia: You manged to convey a concise message (6 lines) with a very similar message to mine but it took me 29 lines in 2 emails. I’ll practice brevity more often since it is clearly very effective. I’m off to google land to check out meds. Thanks.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:03 am
Dr.H. I know the feeling on being judged. But you are a doctor with plenty of training. Yuo didnt get rude or anything else. I think that it good that you stuck up for yourself & i would have done done the same thing.Besides you were also doing buisness there. Topic is Do I feel Judged.
May 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Dear Dr. Kenny,
Your cafe incident reads like my life! It makes me laugh, because I’ve had a series of “misunderstandings” like this one over, and over, and over. Once in a while they have drastic consequences (such as being fired). I have wondered if the fact that I HAVE adhd has contributed, and after so much time, I think it does, based on reading similar reports from individuals on adhd forums.
Anyway… you mention somewhere that you think it would be a good idea to get a book on high sensitivity. I haven’t read through all 48 (at this count) replies to your post, and maybe someone has told you about it already, but I would think it would be good for you to get a copy of Elaine Aron’s book THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON. And check out her website as well, http://www.hsperson.com.
That “gruffness” that your wife tells you you have, that you simply don’t detect… highly sensitives are a bit more reactive. We don’t mean to be, of course. But we’re feeling everything more keenly, physically and emotionally (that -20 degree wind must’ve been biting!), and our urgency just comes out. The other party is saying to themselves “what did I do to deserve this?” But if they understood how you felt, it would make perfect sense to them, and they wouldn’t take it personally. Of course, many, if not most, cannot understand, or cannot understand well enough. And some, who are highly sensitive themselves, but have no awareness that OTHERS have this trait, and how it works, will smack you down even harder.
I’ve developed quite the sense of humor when I see one of these social fiascos developing in my life (I like to think that’s how John Cleese got started, and some Saturday Night Live as well), and sometimes I can turn it around (not every time–far from it–as my children always remind me). It involves a certain amount of calming self-talk, acknowledgement of the feelings and place that the other party is in, and application of an almost therapeutic approach. To do this authentically, you have to acknowledge and validate/meet your own needs pretty quickly (like a nanosecond sometimes), which then frees you up to “be there” for the other. This “being there” for the other person is almost instantly calming to the other party.
You were right when you noticed that you got caught up in a loop with the proprietor. Obviously he had his own social issues, or his wife never would’ve apologized to you upon taking your leave. I’ve found that making extremely vocal and humble apologies for perceived slights (of course, using the outlet was very minor, but he had blown it all out of proportion, and it was huge to him… so it would’ve been okay to apologize as though it was a huge faux pas, because to him it was. Anyone who observed would’ve been amused… at him!). The important thing would’ve been to do it in all authenticity, with compassion for his pain, even though he was showing no compassion for yours.
Sometimes we can manage to be compassionate even when we are being hurt (or judged, or insulted). When we can do it, the results are often spectacular. However, when we can’t, I think we have to be easy on ourselves. And sometimes this is how we get our best stories! Yours is just terrific.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
It Feels Awful To Be Judged……
Last Sunday, I had quite an unusual experience. It taught me a very important lesson… and I’d like to share it with you. My wife, daughter and I were planning to go to a pottery painting place not far from home….
July 7th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
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