I decided on the spot that after being judged so negatively, it was better to just ‘take the high road’, and leave with my dignity. I didn’t think that I was nearly as rude and inconsiderate as this gentleman perceived me to be, and arguing and fightin…

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Last Sunday, I had quite an unusual experience. It taught me a very important lesson… and I’d like to share it with you. My wife, daughter and I were planning to go to a pottery painting place not far from home….

Your cafe incident reads like my life! It makes me laugh, because I’ve had a series of “misunderstandings” like this one over, and over, and over. Once in a while they have drastic consequences (such as being fired). I have wondered if the fact that I HAVE adhd has contributed, and after so much time, I think it does, based on reading similar reports from individuals on adhd forums.

Anyway… you mention somewhere that you think it would be a good idea to get a book on high sensitivity. I haven’t read through all 48 (at this count) replies to your post, and maybe someone has told you about it already, but I would think it would be good for you to get a copy of Elaine Aron’s book THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON. And check out her website as well, http://www.hsperson.com.

That “gruffness” that your wife tells you you have, that you simply don’t detect… highly sensitives are a bit more reactive. We don’t mean to be, of course. But we’re feeling everything more keenly, physically and emotionally (that -20 degree wind must’ve been biting!), and our urgency just comes out. The other party is saying to themselves “what did I do to deserve this?” But if they understood how you felt, it would make perfect sense to them, and they wouldn’t take it personally. Of course, many, if not most, cannot understand, or cannot understand well enough. And some, who are highly sensitive themselves, but have no awareness that OTHERS have this trait, and how it works, will smack you down even harder.

I’ve developed quite the sense of humor when I see one of these social fiascos developing in my life (I like to think that’s how John Cleese got started, and some Saturday Night Live as well), and sometimes I can turn it around (not every time–far from it–as my children always remind me). It involves a certain amount of calming self-talk, acknowledgement of the feelings and place that the other party is in, and application of an almost therapeutic approach. To do this authentically, you have to acknowledge and validate/meet your own needs pretty quickly (like a nanosecond sometimes), which then frees you up to “be there” for the other. This “being there” for the other person is almost instantly calming to the other party.

You were right when you noticed that you got caught up in a loop with the proprietor. Obviously he had his own social issues, or his wife never would’ve apologized to you upon taking your leave. I’ve found that making extremely vocal and humble apologies for perceived slights (of course, using the outlet was very minor, but he had blown it all out of proportion, and it was huge to him… so it would’ve been okay to apologize as though it was a huge faux pas, because to him it was. Anyone who observed would’ve been amused… at him!). The important thing would’ve been to do it in all authenticity, with compassion for his pain, even though he was showing no compassion for yours.

Sometimes we can manage to be compassionate even when we are being hurt (or judged, or insulted). When we can do it, the results are often spectacular. However, when we can’t, I think we have to be easy on ourselves. And sometimes this is how we get our best stories! Yours is just terrific.

Well done you handled “Lynne” a lot nicer then I would have….IF my son weren’t on meds, I think someone (not naming any names) may have strangled him by now! Fresh air, good food, vitamins! Sheesh what does she think we feed our kids…….McDonalds???

Gail,
The drugs can cause some side effects….google them! The pros far out way the cons trust me!