Do I Feel Judged?

Here’s the background on this one:

I published an article on how I was in a cafe – and I was essentially kicked out. I shared this story, and how awful it felt to be judged on this blog.

Then, I wrote a summary of the overall topic – called: Judgment in ADHD – including many of the comments posted by you on this blog.

I just approved a comment from Mark – who shared how little the electricity would cost, and he asks at the end of his comment – “My question.. why care what an a****** thinks?”

I started to answer his question as a comment, and then I thought I should move this to a new post altogether.

My reaction to all of the comments and emails has been mixed…

Here is what I wrote to answer Mark:

Mark,
Thank you for the electricity info. I knew it wasn’t that much electricity – and I appreciate your calculations.
Many people have commented about my reaction to this man and this situation.
Listen, I didn’t post this to prove anything about me…
In fact, it showed that I am human too… (and certainly NOT perfect!)
There are many comments here (And some people emailed me directly) critiquing my reaction and making suggestions for how I could have handled it better.
And you know what?
I agree with just about all of these comments.
The reality is:
* Yes, I am human…
* Yes, I do have an ego…
* Yes, I do judge as well…
* Yes, that man made me quite angry, and even though I could have, or should have reacted differently, I didn’t…

After the whole incident, I had this idea that I could share this story to help to share an uncomfortable human experience:
That of being judged.

All in all, I am very happy that I did.

You see, this has sparked a very productive discussion on this blog.

It has touched people.
Mothers have written in that they were crying…
That they felt understood…
People who are advocates for ADD and ADHD are working through real life issues (including me!).
So, I’m glad I posted this article.

NOW – before some of you post that I am writing this defensively – I am!
I know that .

Why?

Even though I am a sensitive guy… an advocate for people who deal with mental health issues…

I still went through 9 years of medical training where I was taught to be the EXPERT. To never show that I don’t know what I am doing.
That is on top of the general societal view that no one wants to show their mistakes.

If that incident happened again, would I handle it differently?
I hope so, but I don’t know…

I think that the critical gift for me from this whole discussion is this:

Feeling judged unfairly (and discussing it on this blog with you) has made me realize the fact that I am judging as well.
I am more aware of it.
Now that I am more conscious of it – I am watching it and consciously working on reducing it.

So, I thank you for this discussion.

It’s interesting… Even though I recently got a card from a patient’s mother thanking me for being supportive, and helping in a non-judgmental way – this blog discussion has shown me the fact that I still judge.

As a big advocate for ADD/ADHD, I commit to you to reduce my judgments outside of my office as well… i.e.being non-judgmental inside my office isn’t good enough…

Thank you for the productive discussion. I think I’m finished my comments here. Defensive as they may be…

As always, Please enter your comments below. I will value them.

Dr. Kenny

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Categories : ADHD General Information

14 Comments

Janice LaFlam
February 28th, 2008 at 1:52 pm

Kudos to the Good Doctor! I was and am also guilty of judging… not only you, but most any situation that comes my way. If we don’t have clear discernment; or are not able to judge someone or something accurately, it can cause us unneeded trouble in our lives. Even God said, “Know ye not that ye shall also judge the angels?”
That being said, it’s the state of heart we have in making our judgments that makes the difference in our lives. Ego, hurt at being misunderstood, or simple impulsivity, all play into how we judge in this game of life.
It is obvious to me that you are a good man who is able to humble himself. That is HUGE in this crazy world we live in. If I was your Mother, sister, wife, daughter or just a person in virtuality, who appreciates your help, candor, and humility…which I am; I would have to tell you that I feel a great respect for you for not only being able, but also for actually choosing to process the whole of this; to come out on the other side with a clearer understanding of yourself and how and why people respond as they do. BRAVO, I say, BRAVO!
With deep respect and graditude…
Genuinely,
Janice

Linda J. Olson
February 28th, 2008 at 2:10 pm

I am older & probably a little more calloused but as long as you were not taking up a table that was needed for other customers by ordering just coffee I see no reason you should not sit and do your work.. Maybe you should have asked if you could use the outlet but that is not a biggy.. Telling the lady to close the door after an appropriate time is a normal reaction in cold or hot weather.. She used more electricity in her good-bye than you were using… Since I didn’t hear how you asked I can’t judge… But the cafe owner went too far with his harangue.. A simple I would rather you did not would have sufficed… I think you did right by paying for the electricity.. It should have made him feel like a fool… Sadly most people judge by how someone looks and that won’t change…. Yes, we all judge in some form…..

Dink
February 28th, 2008 at 7:55 pm

Kenny, time to move on….have a cappucino….hope that dosen’t sound too judgemental.

Sincerely,
Dink

Arieh
February 28th, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Dear Kenny,

(I intentionally dropped Dr. because all this discussion not related to your profession, but to you as a human), re “Even though I am a sensitive guy” – I quoted you, this triggered me.

I should read a book about HSP. Did you hear about such book? HSP is a Highly Sensitive Person. It is a theory of one psychologist, I don’t remember her name. It opened me the whole new way of understanding myself. HSP correlates with INFP of Meyers-Briggs, but it is much more sophisticated.

As I see the whole this talk now, you should just read this book.

I wish you all the best to live your own life. When you better know WHO you are and to what kind of purposes you have been created, you will stop worry that you are NOT Arnold Schwarzenegger NOR TERMINATOR.

Another interesting point – when you posted a “personal” story that involved feelings – this post received much more comments than other rather professional and “dry” posts. So to make a blog more real we have to write as a humans, not only as a representatives of this or that profession.

Arieh
CrawlingClub.org

Arieh
February 28th, 2008 at 8:48 pm

The beginning of second paragraph – typo. I mistakenly wrote “I” instead of “You”. As you know from psychoanalysis – it just proves that I put myself into your shoes.

Arieh

gsdsmiles
February 28th, 2008 at 9:29 pm

Dear Dr. Kenny
I don’t think you should feel guilty about *judging*. Our brains are encoded that way to categorize our perceptions and thoughts….without the faculty of evaluating, we would be sticking our hand in the fire over and over,…..we wouldn’t be able uphold our (hopefully) dearly held values and the behaviors and thoughts that support them….etc…..
We all do the same thing……we gain experiences and hopefully evolve our base of wisdom and compassion……
All learning has a learning curve……….I see no reason for guilt on your part. Your well-intended spirit used this experience both to learn and reflect as well as sharing with us the opportunity to do the same!
Thank You for all that you ARE and DO!
gsdsmiles

Sunny
March 1st, 2008 at 4:12 am

This is fun, This is my 4 th post tonight. Im loving talking to people who appear to get it and struggle with things that Im going through and untimately speak my language and make spelling mistakes like I do
Dr Kenny its intersting that you almost seem to feel guilty about “judgements” I wonder are they judgments or assuptions? You assume you buddy at the coffe house was just, well, what ever you thought of him. But what if this man had just gotten off the phone with the bank and they delivered the news that they are calling in their loan or something else not likely but just as probable. He simply was having a crapy day, you assume it was about you but it in fact could be about something that has nothing to do with you. I bring this up injust, simply because I have a tendency to react and not respond to people if Im already irritated about something else. People assume that it about them when its not and thats when the judgments start flying around. Im generally speaking about people I know but Ive been tied up in these types of situations with strangers. I make the assuption that the jerk that cut me off in traffic is in fact a jerk when he might actually be a nice guy and his wife is in labor, maybe not, so the question I ask is who’s responsibilty is it to temper those assuptions…the answer is me.
It is very cool that you have taken this topic so seriously, its not often that people have the fore sight to expore their actions in such depth.
Thank-you for that, judgments tend to hurt more than they help, at least that has been my experience

Rita Seiler
March 3rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm

I think that all of us as human beings are guilty of making judgments or assumptions or whatever you want to call them at some time in our lives. As a teacher of students with disabilities and a parent of a son who was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) at the young age of 4 and is now 18, I have at many times felt the judgmental eyes of others on me and I’m sure have been a topic of conversation as well as to how I have handled my son.

I don’t even let it bother me anymore. All I can say as it applies to parents with children with any disability is that those who are looking from the outside have no idea what we go through as parents. Raising a child with ADHD takes enormous amounts of energy, patience, and perseverance. I have been through heartaches and disappointments with my son. I have advocated for him and at times did not feel his teachers understood or even believed me when I told them that this is how the ADHD affects his functioning.

It doesn’t end when they graduate from high school, if they make it that far. My son tried to attend a junior college and couldn’t get up in the morning to get to school – he has been in trouble with the law and in financial debt. He doesn’t have a job at this time either. He refuses to get any kind of counseling or help from anyone but his friends. He is now at the age where he doesn’t have to take his meds if he chooses not to.

No one can judge another unless they have walked in their shoes and know the whole story.

If the doctor’s experience helps anyone to understand what other people with a disability such as ADHD experience, then more power to him.

Cathy M
March 3rd, 2008 at 9:57 pm

Dr. Handleman,

As the mother of a child that was the most active, energetic, impulsive, risk taker…..I believe he was the one really being judged over and over by teachers, doctors, neighbours, family and friends. Even cousins as young as five years old, knew they could blame him for their misbehaviours at family get togethers and get away with it!! !He is seventeen now and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder a few years ago (talk about being judged as parents – doctors, police, neighbours, family and friends). I would not let the judgement of others stand in the way of helping my son through these very difficult times and pushing as hard as I could as a parent to ensure he got the help he so desperately needed. I am so proud of him for all the hard, hard work he put in and continues to put in.I am so pleased to report that he is quite stable now, is working and has a serious girlfriend. He also has a plan in place to finish his high school education that was interrupted by the bi-polar disorder. I wanted to add this comment to encourage other parents not to give up or to lose hope. Let me tell you, there were many times I thought our situation was completely hopeless. As a parent, I had to learn to listen to the experts and not to anyone else that was judging our situation. Everyone had opinions on how to handle our very complicated situation. We even had a police officer suggest a good beating (of course this did not happen).

P.S. A high number of the homeless suffer from serious mental health disorders. People need to be alot more compassionate to these people. Perhaps the cafe owner should have offered you a warm meal!! Shame on him!!