Judgment in ADD & ADHD
ByLast week, I wrote a story about how I got kicked out of a cafe – because of a misunderstanding. The part that was most frustrating to me was that I felt that I was negatively and unjustly judged by the owner of the cafe. You can read the original article here (judgment in ADHD). I posted that I learned a very important lesson about how awful it can feel to be judged by someone unjustly – and how I could now better understand the issues that parents of kids with ADD and ADHD deal with on a regular basis (because of constant judgment from so called ‘well meaning’ strangers).
I must admit that this was a different type of article than I’ve written before (I mean – I got kicked out of a cafe because of my behavior and then I actually told you about it!). But I thought that many of you would relate to this story, and as it turns out, many of you did. There are 30 comments to this blog post at the time of this article.
… And these aren’t just any comments.
Many people really opened up and shared from the heart.
I wanted to write some more about this topic for many reasons. Most importantly – I want to honor and respect all of you who contributed to the information on this blog. Your comments helped many others… and they also helped me.
I am going to cover two main points here:
- More thoughts on judgment in ADD & ADHD
- Some thoughts that your comments have given me… and I value these tremendously.
Judgment in ADD ADHD
Let’s begin by defining the term. (Maybe this goes back to my good high school English teachers – I like to define terms…)
“Judgment: The act or process of judging; the formation of an opinion after consideration or deliberation.” The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved February 25, 2008, from Dictionary.com website.
As many wise people commented on my last article – we all love to judge, but hate to be judged. Kim shared this quite well in this comment here.
In Mark’s insightful comment, he explained a couple of critical points. He explained that we need to focus on understanding… and that when judging, it’s best to get as much information as possible.
We all judge things on a daily basis. Most of the time, these are quick, snap judgments, with little conscious thought. Ideally, we seek enough understanding about the issue to make an accurate judgment – as the definition explains: “the formation of an opinion after consideration or deliberation”.
Several other blog comments merit highlighting (and I won’t highlight them all… although I appreciate them all):
- Jan B wrote a comment – about how no one seems to judge her, but she judges herself as a bad parent of her ADHD child. Jan, I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share your difficulties and pain with me and all of the readers of this blog. My heart goes out to you – and I hope that you can find solutions and peace for what you are going through. As Jeanette commented, she doubts you are a failure as a parent. I doubt it as well. As readers of this blog know – it can be very challenging to raise an ADHD child – and deal with all of the stigma, ignorance and hurdles out there. Continue to provide support to your child, and I hope that things will improve for both of you.
- Annie shared that she shed tears reading all of the comments about how hard it is for people who are judged harshly, as she can relate and has dealt with some very difficult circumstances.
- Eileen shared that she was judged as an inadequate mother by her doctor! My word! I thought they taught us in medical school to respect and support our patients…
- Gail shares how hard it is for the kids with ADD/ADHD who are regularly judged and can’t fall back on the ‘do you know who you are talking to?’ that I was able to use, as a doctor in the community. This one really got me thinking…
There are many more comments worth mentioning… But I don’t want to reproduce all of the comments here…
What are my biggest takeaways and insights from this?
- I get a ton of insight from your comments – thanks a lot for sharing! (and keep them coming
- Judgment with ADD/ADHD is pervasive. And mostly it comes with little understanding, little empathy, and little desire to support and help.
- Often judgment comes from places where I would argue that it shouldn’t: A Doctor, a spouse, a teacher, etc.
- Judgment affects all involved in ADD/ADHD: Mothers (judged by strangers, spouses, doctors, extended family), the child with ADD, and adults with ADD/ADHD.
- When I was judged negatively, I was able to ’shake it off’. Although I was upset, I know that I am not a rude, mean and inconsiderate man. I also know that I am a medical professional and expert, and I am respected by many in my community. This is a luxury that I have due to my age and experience. So, this experience did not affect my self esteem. HOWEVER, if I were 6 years old, or even 16 years old with ADHD – this would have hurt, and it likely would have had an impact on my self esteem. This impact can start to create a ‘negative spiral’ – i.e. incidents which build up to prove to me that I mess up in life and that I am not worth much…
- Judgment has a big impact on teens and adults with ADD/ADHD as well.
There is still likely a lot more that I can learn from this post – and I credit you – my readers for sharing such insights that have helped a lot.
This ties into my final conclusion:
How do we improve judgment in ADD and ADHD?
It starts exactly like this – people sharing with one another – to support one another, to education one another, and to create a community. We can then educate more people out there and begin to destigmatize this disorder.
Let’s agree that people should judge ADHD as much as they judge cancer – i.e. it is a medical condition which doesn’t merit judgment.
What can you do right now?
Share this post with others who know about ADHD, and even more importantly, share it with people who need to know more about ADHD.
Do YOU agree?
Please share your comment on this post. You know I’ll read it, and so will many other people.
Thanks for reading and contributing.
Dr. Kenny
p.s. To help to learn more about ADD and ADHD, you can get your hands on my comprehensive program with Dr. Russell Barkley at Secrets to ADHD Success. For the adults, our program, Secrets to Adult ADHD Success is in prelaunch – but you can sign up for a priority notification list here.
So what is the issue about judgment and ADD ADHD?
19 Comments
February 26th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Dr. Kenny,
All I could think about while reading your story was Eckhart Tolle’s book , “A New Earth…Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” could help you and your readers tremendously. Since the job of the ego is to win and be superior, I see your ego and the owner of the shops ego totally getting in the way of your communication. Pick up a copy of the book and see what you think.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I have had many times in my life when I’ve been judged. I guess one advantage of the aging process is that you learn to feel more comfortable in your own skin. You realize that it is less about what OTHERS think about you as it is what YOU think about you.
I have learned, as far as judging my parenting abilities, I tend NOT to share what’s going on unless I KNOW the person I am sharing with is in the same situation. Otherwise, it is way too easy to get stuck in the quagmire of listening to unsolicited “advice”.
I have also learned that the words/tone I use with both of my children makes a huge difference in their ability to listen to the message I’m tryig to convey. I also see it as an opportunity to TEACH them how to handle frustrations in a way that is constructive.
Probably the most hurtful weapon we as human beings have is our words. I am going to be ever vigilant about not only the words I say but the TONE, too.
Thaks for the time you took to share more about your experience.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Dr. Kenny – reading the stories and articles has really hit home with me as well – especially your comment regarding being able to shrug off negative judgements from others when you are 6 yrs old or 16 yrs old. My daughter is 8, has ADD with learning disabilities we are finally getting tested (due to a delay in our wonderful public education system – it only took 2 years of requesting, her performance and comprehension snowballing downhill out of control, and insisting that our daughter be held back to repeat her grade to finally get her hooked up). Our daughter is a sweet, caring, bright child that never really comprehended that she was different than anyone else until this year when a fellow classmate made fun of her in class for having to repeat the grade – and her teacher, who has been coached in dealing with this situation through discussions with the school principal, told the class that “no-one should have to repeat a grade” – imposing her views rather than considering the impact of her words on our daughter, who was understandably devistated. Not only was she unfairly judged by her “peers”, but as well by her teacher – a person of authority. How do you explain to a child that doesn’t completely understand why she has problems, that the opinions of those that matter most to her, should be ignored.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Yes, I was also judged and treated very poorly by a pediatrician who specialized in ADHD (in Scarborough) in 2003. It took me hours to get there by public transit. from High Park… I could tell he decided he didn’t like me when he first saw me… I had all kinds of info for him to look at: her school work, report cards, etc.he was not interested in any of it. He proceeded to interview me quickly, then interviewed her and wrote exactly what my daughter said in long hand…. He was irritated when I tried to interject…. he criticized me and spoke to me very harshly, said I needed to watch the 123 magic video, sent me to another room with a video machine and said I needed to watch it right now. He said my daughter had an “out of control” personality and no ADHD….He asked me where my husband was (said this was “family therapy” -(my husband is a busy lawyer who worked 20 miles away). I decided I would never go back there again…. Afew months later she was diagnosed at Sick Kids hospital with exactly what I thought she had…. combined type ADHD with 3 LDs. So there you are, you ass hole doctor! Sorry, but it was a very painful experience….cathy b.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Makes me realize how much I depend on spell-check – which is not available to me when I am typing on a blog – since I misspelled judgment – by adding in a ‘e’ in the middle just for good measure. The crazy Englisth language! I knew I should have looked it up!!!
February 26th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Hi,
I have been frustrated over and over again about how my son is treated in the public school system. The labels; lazy, troublemaker, disruptive, wild, etc that get used make me very angry. Let’s face it I am a Mama bear and they make me want to rush to his defence. It is frustrating to always be having to educate, push and help people to understand when it comes to ADHD.
I have attended seminars on ADHD and learned some helps, etc. and know that structure is so important for the ADHD. I am extremely frustrated with my partner who is constantly giving in to tantrums, changing rules that we have set up together and by doing these things making me the “bad guy” all the time.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I need advice from you or from someone who reads your blog. What do I do about a teacher who “never smiles.” I’m not kidding. My daughter sprained her ankle and was on crutches. I carried her back pack to her second floor class room for 2 weeks. I walked out feeling down and then it hit me when another teacher said cheerfully, “Good Morning Mrs…..” My daughter’s teacher never smiled or said good morning once. I realize that we can’t always have the best teachers (and the school is full of wonderful teachers!) and that we learn life lessons, etc. But as adults we can choose to look for another job, other friends, a different neighborhood, etc. if we don’t like where we are. When you are 11 years old and spend 6 hours 5 days a week with Eyore (depressed character from Winnie the Poo series) and you are ADHD or borderline ADHD and it feels like the teacher doesn’t like you, what can a parent do? Stress can make the hyperactive component worse. And, often a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child. I’ve explained it’s not personal, but let’s face it, it is still hard to be in that class room.
Thanks!
Sheri
February 28th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
My lack of attention skills (ADD) is
ruining my relationship with my significant other.
I have been struggling with attention def. disorder for pretty much my whole life. I was diagnosed at the age of 13 and I am now 19. I take adderal XR 30mg. and it helps me alot with work and school. When I found out that I was pregnant (at the age of 18) with my daughter I stopped taking the adderal because of the risk of birth defects. I had graduated from high school 4 months before I knew I was pregnant and I was enrolled in college classes. When I stoped taking my meds it was extreamly difficult to work or to study and listen in class so I ended up withdrawing from school, and I did not work at all. I have been with my daughters father for almost 3 years now and over time my ADD has caused us to argue and I feel like we are drifting apart because he thinks I use my disorder as an excuse for some of my actions and behavior. What I mean by that to be more specific is like him telling me something and me not remebering or just not listining and not using good judgement nor common sense. Its not even that I dont listen because I hear everything he is saying I just cant comprehend sometimes especially if there is another stimulace invloved (i.e. the T.V. or if I am on the phone ) It is so frustrating when our arguments revolve around the fact that I dont listen and can make stupid and irrational decisions. I also find that we argue alot because sometimes I act upon impulse and at times I dont think before I speak and alot of times I will do things he has asked me not to do over and over . Its gotten to the point that he has decided not to talk to me about certin things because he thinks its pointless and then he ends up exploading on me & letting everything hes decided to hold in..out all at once.When I try to apoligize for my actions and let him know I acnoledge that what I have done may have been innapproprate or disrespectful (in the sense that he has asked me nicely several times to respect the way he feels about these things and to think about what I may do or say before I do it.) he tells me that my apoligies are becoming meaningless because I do the same things over and over. It is really hard for me to cope with sometimes because I feel like a little kid who cant seem to listen and has to be scolded all the time.. Sometimes I ask myself why my brain worrks the way it does, its like I dont learn from the first time,second,third….ect.. There are times I will try very hard to work on a particular area in which I have trouble with like listening but it seems that the more I focus on one area the worse I get in other. My husband at times wants me to do things in a different way bc he says I make things harder for my self doing it my way. Sometimes well most of the time when i try to talk to him about our disagreement he gets frustrated and when i try to say sorry for not listining or whatever he tells me not to even bother becase I will just do it again… He doesnt understand that I do try really hard to think twice and I cant help it sometimes. I will ask him at times when we argue if he thinks I like fighting, because I dont.. I have asked him in the past: “Do you think that I dont listen to you and act upon impulse at times just to make up upset?? He has told me that sometimes he does think I enjoy getting yelled at and agruing back & forth- and lately things have just gotten progressivly worse, I hear him talking about how tired he is of me not listining and that its getting really old. It has really started to affect my self-esteem as well.. I really really need some advise on ways I can help him understand this disorder and some advise to help myself deal and improve with the behavior that is associated with having ADD., because its tearing us apart. I am back on my medication and it really helps me when I am doing my own thing at work or school. However it seems when it comes to me and my husband I still at times display the same behavior as before… My mom (Laura McGill) is the one who recommened this site after I had talked to her about how my ADD was really affecting my love life and influencing how hellacious its becoming to live with my hubby because of our arguements as a result of some things I cant help but i try to recognize and do my best to change. It is also harder because he has a hard time thinking about other peoples feelings and particularly he doesnt repect my feeling at times. He can be verbally abusive at times and he really has tried to change that since our daughter was born. However I belive that me having ADD has frustrated the both of us to the point of little or no communication, its hard to have a relationship like that. I know he loves me and that he had a very rough childhood but if I was not ADD and if I was able to listen more and think more about my actions I feel like we wouldnt argue half as much… 90% of our arguments are because I either dont listen or I do/say something stupid out of impulse which then in turn makes him react with rage. I have tried to develop methods to improve my behavior for example I have a calander in every room of our apartment so that I dont for get important dates and appointments. I also try to write important things my honey talks about in a journal. I also have been thinking about getting a dry-eraser borad to write the highlights and things I need to accomplish for the day. In a nutshell I am looking for some advice to help him understand this disorder and that it is a chronic condition. If anybody has suggestions or can understand what I am going trough I would really appreciate it because I am about at my wits end.Sorry if my comment didnt help anybody dirctly to deal with judgement issues..however if you are able to understand where I am coming from judgement has alot to do with what I am going through just maybe in a different way .. Thank you!! Elise McGill Jamiesokey@hotmail.com
February 29th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
It’s a judgemental world. Like Bob Dylan said: “evha body must get stoned”. I just hope that someday people can gradually evolve out judgemental. (and paranoid), mode.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Hey Sheri,
I hear that one loud and clear! My son is 14 and in grade 9 he has had many teachers like your daughters and you know what it showed in his grades! I always know when he has a teacher he likes as he excels in that class. Unfortunately there are many “grumpy” teachers out there. I even had a teacher tell me (my son is in French Immersion so he does French in AM and English in PM and they would alternate day to day) that when my son had her in the mornings he was fine but if he had “Mrs. X” then it was a bad day. As “Mrs. X” is not a morning person!!! So with my son’s inattention and hyperactivity she got really grumpy! What I don’t understand is why is this teacher teaching if she can’t deal with children getting on her nerves too early in the morning! I mean c’mon already kids will be kids! She needs to find a job that she can work afternoon shift…not be around (grade 4) children in the mornings! This was just when my son was being diagnosed with ADHD so it was all new to us, but when I heard that I was really ticked off! Why do people teach if they can’t do it with kids who need extra attention at times…….cause there are MANY out there. I wish we could pick the teachers our children got, boy would you see some great grades because of it. I just had 2 evaluations done by 2 teachers at my son’s school for Dr. Handelman to see (we meet in a month) and one is so opposite of the other and when I saw the one with the negitive scores I knew it was his math teacher as she had called me to say my son needed a tutor, or to be in english only, or some extra help of some sort as he just didn’t “get it” so he went to what they call “math clinic” during his lunch the next day and came home “as happy as a pig in poop” and said “Mom I learned how to do it in seconds!” So why is it that the teacher in the “math clinic” could teach him so quickly and his own teacher gave up on him??? It is VERY obvious to me that she just doesn’t know how to teach! But unfortunately that is what we get in our classrooms. Hope your daughter has a “sunnier” teacher next year!
Good Luck!
March 1st, 2008 at 3:39 am
What you have expressed Jamie as far as your traits and “issues” is really typical about what I go through in a day. People can be looking me straight in the eye telling me something, They walk out of the room and something else catches my attention or something completely unrelated pops into my head and what that person said is gone and a vear off in another tangent that my brain decided it needed to go on. I do it all the time. The people closest to me understand that I will remember eventually and I do, sometimes the next day or even weeks. If its important they will remind me or ask me if I had gotten to the task yet. It sucks because I really do care and it does matter what people ask of me, It just litterly fall out of my head.
Speaking to this, Im not a book pusher by any stretch but this book answered so many question and validated that I was not in fact abnormal rather typical of adha charateristics. Its called Delivered From Distraction, I forget the Author but he has adhd too and he is a doctor on the subject. The Mr read it too and he gets it alot more than he use to. He doesnt get as frusterated as he use too…
And I have to say Im al little concerned about your relationship and am wondering if you had considered going to couples counciling…My Mr and I went after we hit a point where things starting getting really out of hand. We learned how to talk to eachother again and not yell. The lady took into consideration that I have ADHD and she was really supportive of it. If you can find somebody like that, I think you might bennifit. It wasnt a cure all for us, but for the most part we are doing well and work hard to implicate what we were told to…we are still together, so I guess that says something about getting help from an outside party, cause we were so tied up in our world we lost the ability to look at the problem because we were so tangled up in the situation. Things got personal when it really should not have been. I hope Im not stepping out of line for making this suggestion.
Jamie, Chin up, its super frusterating and just down right crapy sometimes but try to learn as much about yourself as you can and fight the small battles first, like a dry board, and soon the big stuff wont be so big…and seriously get the book, validation is just part of its benifits, I was totally floored after reading it, and I actually read it cover to cover which is simply unheard of for me
No judgements, just another ADHDer,
March 1st, 2008 at 3:42 am
ooopppssss, My last post was for Elise
I just read the e-mail name posted on the bottom. Sorry about that
March 1st, 2008 at 3:46 am
Hi Sunny,
Delivered from Distraction is by Dr. Hallowell.
You can find this book on the front page of: http://www.theadhdbookstore.com
An excellent resource.
Dr. Kenny
July 3rd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Judgment in ADD & ADHD…
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July 3rd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Judgment in ADD & ADHD | ADD ADHD Blog.com…
Last week, I wrote a story about how I got kicked out of a cafe – because of a misunderstanding. The part that was most frustrating to me was that I felt that I was negatively and unjustly judged by the owner of the cafe. You can read the original arti…
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Judgment in ADD & ADHD | ADD ADHD Blog.com…
The left side of the screen contains a list of the most common psychiatric medications. To select a medication, click on its name. ……
July 4th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Judgment in ADD & ADHD…
I must admit that this was a different type of article than I’ve written before (I mean – I got kicked out of a cafe because of my behavior and then I actually told you about it!…
July 4th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Judgment in ADD & ADHD | ADD ADHD Blog.com…
I must admit that this was a different type of article than I’ve written before (I mean – I got kicked out of a cafe because of my behavior and then I actually told you about it!)…
July 4th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Judgment in ADD & ADHD…
I must admit that this was a different type of article than I’ve written before (I mean – I got kicked out of a cafe because of my behavior and then I actually told you about it!…